Bullets from Paradise - Switzerland

June 1
It's six in the morning and I open the kitchen window. The wooden frame has been painted red. Basil thrives in a box on the windowsill, below the windowsill, on the wobbly old tiles the pot plants are arranged next to a guitar on its stand. There's no murmur of traffic yet, only church bells ringing and the tedious lament of an owl. Through the open window a scent of jasmine and rose penetrates from the gardens on the hill. Ancient Villas with overgrown parks where tropical flora grows wild; palms and hibiscus, banana trees and oranges. I have found my new place here. Two streets up from Zep and ND’s house. I've done so much house hunting, my feet are covered in blisters. But now the worst is over and I can settle down at the beginning of next month. They're still renovating my flat; whitewashed walls, sunlight over polished floorboards and a view of the mountains. I watch as the sun rises behind the hill. Bands of light stream diagonally through the clouds and alongside the green slopes, covered in chestnut trees. As a child I thought those beams of sunshine were God.

June 3
A strange thing happened today. There was a shooting in Paradise, the lake-front suburb where the red light district is. A man started shooting into the street from his balcony on the fourth floor of an apartment building. The news reported the incident was drug-related. To think I came to Switzerland because I wanted to feel safe.

June 4
I hope you’re okay. I was hoping to hear from you this week as I have unlimited access to the Web now that I can use ND’s computer. And I felt you might want to talk to me about what’s troubling you but I’ve been checking my mailbox daily. Alas, in vain. I hope to hear from you soon as your silence is causing me to fear the worst. Please remember that there’s nothing I cherish more than for us to stay in touch.

June 8
What’s going on, Nick? Don’t you check your e-mail any more? Why this sudden silence? I’m concerned something bad has happened to us but I don’t know what it is. Won’t you please reply, this once, and tell me what’s wrong?

June 14
My sweet friend, it is said that uncertainty is the soul of Romance. Less than three weeks ago you said you’d love me Forever and that you were certain we’d see each other again. When I said I was afraid that leaving was going to be the kind of mistake I’d regret for the rest of my life, you reassured me. ‘We’ve got all the time in the world,’ you said and your voice was soothing. But now you tell me you have lost faith. I am truly sorry for your suffering, I too regret this separation deeply. Destiny plays such cruel tricks on us at times! I miss seeing you, I miss your romantic notes and hearing your chuckle at something silly I said. You are everything I ever wished for, Nick, of this I am certain. Once, in Melbourne, you said that meeting me had turned your whole world up side down. Remember, you told me that the time you spent with me was the best time of your life? You also said you were certain there was a reason why we connected at my going away party, and that you had no doubt that we would meet again. You said I was the reason you wished to travel. The days together were magnificent; it is impossible not to feel the loss that perfect time we shared. Those days are now fixed inside our harts forever but new days of happiness await us, if we want. It’s a question of mind over matter.

Six months is a long time to be separated from someone you've loved for only two weeks. Someone older than you, someone far away. It's a risky business, Love, isn't it? And it's scary. You don't want to get hurt. You don't want to be a fool. Now that the high of our togetherness has subsided and reality has set in, you are unsure whether it was all just a lovely dream. You wonder whether it is worth the gamble to come all the way to Switzerland to see me. You feel there is so much at stake... And if you decided to come, and things did work out between us, what then? Questions, questions. Who knows, Nick, the future is a mystery. Who knows how things are going to work out? After all, that's the exciting part of being alive! The night we first met, as we danced, you told me you had resolved only to ever love to someone special and that you only sought those things in life that made you happy. These are fine resolutions, I lead my life according to these same principles. The question is, are you happy right now? And if not, what is the cause of your unhappiness?

June 16
In the chapel of St. Nicholas I lit a candle and placed it on the marble altar. The small flame burned in the half-light of the sanctuary, built on a steep overhang in the middle of the forest. The chapel smelled of incense and moss and although the sun shone brightly on the cobble stones outside, it was cool in there. I knelt with my bare knees on the ancient pavement and prayed: "May my love find the courage to follow his own heart." I stood quietly below the frescoed vault of the chapel, carved into the rock-face. I remained there in silence, gazing at the marble statue of St. Nicholas who held his hand up in blessing.

June 23
Crazy Alexandre drove me in his Volvo to a bar. We sat at a table out on the terrace and as I sipped a red Martini, Crazy Alexandre held up the newspaper and scanned the stock exchange columns. ‘Did you know that according to a survey one of six pensioners in Zurich is a millionaire?’
‘My grandfather lives in Zurich. He called to see if I needed any money and me, stupid, said no thanks. I told him I was rich in personality. I hope something comes up before I’m completely dry.’

Crazy Alexandre and I gate-crush gallery openings; every time we meet the same arty crowd of designers, painters, photographers, impresarios, the multimedia set, art students, freelancers. Over a glass of champagne and a slice of pâté I get offered my first job. To photograph a dog show with my digital camera. It pays fifty bucks an hour.

When I get home there’s a message from my agency. They’ve set me up for a temping job in Swiss TV: translating text for documentaries and doing some Web stuff. Things are slowly coming together. Life can be sweet on this little planet. Life is very short, a day in the eternity of time. Those we love are only a thought away but soon we’ll all be gone, swallowed up by the shadows once again. Mustn’t waste love, mustn’t waste opportunity. Oh, Nick, if you have the courage to embrace change, I can show you how!

June 24
Samuela offered me to live at her place until I move into my new flat on July 1. She went SCUBA diving in Egypt for two weeks. Some peace and quiet at last and time to gather my thoughts. Her place is in a small village up in the hills, with a view of the Alps, it’s about an hour’ walk from the city. I look out the windows and all I see are the mountains covered in forests. At night the echo of the fountain in the square lulls me to sleep.

As I sipped Baileys on the starlit terrace, I looked at the waxing moon. ‘Soon it will have been two months since the first night...’ I’d made a promise to myself earlier in the year: Not to settle for anything less than my dreams. And then it hit me! I had dreamed about you, your face, your name, just weeks before meeting you in person. I always knew I was destined to meet you. One could say you are the man of my dreams. Literally. I hadn’t thought of it like that, until now... I have no doubt that if you truly are the man of my dreams, you will come and find me.

June 25
Darling Nicholas, it’s been ten days since we last spoke on the phone, over a month since your last e-mail, three weeks since I received your tape. I wish I could get over you but not a day goes by without me stopping and thinking about you. I don’t know what will happen, but I know these feelings are here to stay. In spite of all the exciting new changes in my life, my job opportunities and the company of devoted friends, the enchantment of summer, I cannot leave you nor sever that part of me that is Melbourne. This infatuation has affected me deeply and it makes me angry that I cannot push it out of my heart and my mind. The days roll by and I concentrate on my new life, but secretly I long for you and hope to have good news, I wait for you to tell me you’ve made up your mind and that I’ll see you again. Your long silences make me very sad. I hope you haven’t forgotten the things we experienced together, I hope you haven’t closed your heart to the feelings you shared with me. Inside all of us there is a spark of the divine. We all have a destiny to fulfil, a journey to go through, to learn and grow and realise our soul’s full potential. The challenge lies in finding the balance between living your highest dreams and dealing with reality. Change is one way to grow and expand.

June 26
My friends are in a band and they were invited to play at a private function held in a three-storey villa that dates two centuries back. The ochre facade is fading but the villa still exudes the elegant glory of true antiques. The mansion overlooks the Lake Como, the propriety is set on a steep strip of land high above the valley. They owners set up a stage on the open tennis court. The guests were made to meander through the garden maze, overgrown with climbers and tropical flowers, finding their way through the dark garden following a trail of candles laid down on the gravel path. A buffet had been set up in the cobblestone courtyard, and a bar tender served us cocktails. There were numerous performances of music and spoken word, projections and even a laser show in the woods. We sipped gin from tall glasses and sat on the edge of a high stonewall that marked the edge of the propriety; my legs dangled into the night over the valley. My friends were good. Very good. They landed a TV deal and a recording contract with Sony Music in Milan. I felt fine. Smooth, amongst all the rich people, artists and performers. I danced in the garage, which had been transformed, into an acid-house club. A boy in black curls leaned his cello into its red travelling case and offered me a smoke, while the violinist sulked and stuck his fists deep into his dark Levi’s. He cast sideways glances at me until I smiled back at him and he blushed wildly.